Beer Scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?'

As hard as you try, you can't piece together your return journey from the pub, or that party, to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of liquor. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness at this point the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors will detect this pheromone and send down a magical Beer Scooter

The scooter scoops up the passenger, and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are said to be responsible for over 90% of all Unidentified Drinking Injuries (UDI).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions and comparisons over a future period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru food chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Camel No Filters in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

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